August 11, 2021-
It’s like my body knows that, 4 years ago today, that we held these babies in our hands for the last time.
That day is filled with a lot of horrific and traumatic memories. It’s HARD to process still. Time has helped us heal from the trauma of the events that happened that day, but my heart still aches for these precious little ones.
I wonder often how they are and sometimes even catch myself daydreaming about them and wondering how it would be if they were still apart of our family.
Even though parts of my heart, mind, and soul are healing, it is 4 years later, and I am still having physical responses to that trauma on a daily basis.
… but GOD!
God has truly brought me through so much healing these past 4 years.
When we first moved to Florida in 2018 I was in a VERY dark place and I was angry and bitter. If you tried to connect to me then, or if I was ugly to you, I’m sorry. I was hurting and I hope you can forgive me.
Slowly, and sometimes painfully, all while clinging to God, He has helped me to claw out of that pit.
I’m no where near where I want to be, but I’m confident that as I keep seeking Him, that He will keep rescuing me again and again.
He will keep giving me strength, and hope, and peace, the kind that only He can give. I’m so grateful to have a God that keeps pursuing me and keeps rescuing me, lifting me out of that grimy pit, and that He will never ever give up on me.
I think of all the people, family, friends, pastors, and counselors, who have helped us walk this painful journey. I’m so thankful for each of you and the way you walked with us, prayed for us, and even tangibly helped carry us through.
I’m grateful for a beyond gracious husband and amazing children who are patient and loving, even when dealing with their own grief and loss.
Today, instead of thinking of that painful day, I want to think of what was true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and definitely praiseworthy of our time with these little ones who were made in God’s image. (Phil. 4:8).
I want to think on these things!
The memories I’m sharing below are numerous. This note is super long!
I just want to record the amazing things God did. & It’s hard to share just one! Lol
If you read my story here, which I’m not really expecting anyone to read it all, I hope you enjoy my walk down memory lane.
If you want to skip ahead to my main point for today? … scroll down to the stars at the bottom of this text. ⭐️
About 14 years ago…
You see, when Michael and I started dating I tried to say things that I thought would scare him off. I was 27. I didn’t have time to play. Haha!
We were on one of our daily walks and he was talking about how he hoped to have a son to pass on his strong family name. I thought I could be clever and test him. So, I told him that it’s been a dream of mine to adopt ever since I was a little girl. That I have had this dream ever since my parents set the example of Christ’s love and compassion for orphans when we adopted my sisters. Back when I first learned about what it truly meant to be adopted into God’s family as a child of God. When my mom asked me to pray with her about whether God would allow my (now) sisters to stay in our family forever. I was 10 years old and I began praying about adoption. That seed for adoption was planted deep in my heart. Michael didn’t skip a beat and said he had considered it too. 😳 I found that I really couldn’t say anything to scare him off! (Thank the Lord for that too!)
Adoption was so much a part of our hearts, that when we first got married we considered adopting first, then trying to have biological children. We got married when I was 27, so age wasn’t on my side. So, we decided we would start trying to have a baby while also exploring adoption. That maybe God would bless us with both!
We soon found out that we would be unable to have children on our own without help. We had a less than 1% chance of conceiving on our own. We prayed and wondered if God was making a clear path to adoption. We could get medical help with our infertility, but the sooner the better (age-wise). However, God increased our desire to try to have a biological child first. So, we put adoption to the side and decided to walk the path of infertility and a hopeful pregnancy.
It took a lot of time and a lot of heartache, but with help, we were able to conceive our beautiful Lila Grace. Praise God! This is Praiseworthy! Our amazing first born daughter was born May 27, 2010. We were over the moon!
Some circumstances happened (maybe a story for another day), and we were not able to do that again, nor could we consider adoption for a time.
Years went by.
We feared neither would happen.
I often asked God to take my desires and dreams away! I begged him.
I LOVED being a mom.
Lila was such a gift to us!
Michael was an amazing husband and an even more amazing dad. No surprise there! I loved watching him as a dad!
Our hearts for having more children just kept growing. We continued to try to have a baby and hoped that someday God would allow us to have more children biologically or maybe He would guide us through adoption.
More years went by.
Lots of heartache and desperate prayers to God.
I couldn’t understand why He would let me keep a heart’s desire for more children but also not give us more children. It was challenging, but I wanted to trust Him and His plan.
We were finally able to get with the right medical team, medicines and shots were given, but then we had one failed attempt of conceiving. We were devastated and heartbroken again.
The next month would be crazy with the holidays coming so we were only able to do half of the thing, just medicine and shots, that we had done and that had brought us success when we were able to get pregnant with Lila. So, I didn’t hold on to hope, but lo and behold, God had a different plan. December 2013 we found out we were expecting!!!!
Our hearts couldn’t be more full as we walked into the Christmas season, remembering the One who came as a baby to not only give us Eternal hope, but earthly blessings too. Blessings like expecting our very own bundle of joy! Our miracle baby.
At our first ultrasound, in January, God had an even bigger surprise for us. We weren’t just expecting one baby, but TWO!
Within minutes our joy turned to sorrow when the tech said that the second baby didn’t have a heartbeat. One of our babies was already in Heaven. We had a mix of emotions. Of both joy and sadness. Believing that every life has a purpose, I rest knowing that God ultimately expanded our family here on Earth and in Heaven. I can’t wait to meet that little one some day! Aside from Jesus, that’s who I’m most excited to meet, our baby.
As many of you know, so I won’t go into detail here, this pregnancy did not end the way we expected either.
Suddenly, at 30 weeks pregnant, I was rushed, by ambulance, to the nearest big city hospital, 2.5 hours away, because my life (& my baby’s life) were in danger. I had developed severe preeclampsia and could develop HELLP syndrome at any moment (a life threatening diagnosis for me). The medica team did everything they could, but HELLP was looming, and we were told it could be any day that they would have to take my baby as that was the only way to save my life. We were told to hope for 37 weeks, but be grateful for not just every day I stayed HELLP free, but be grateful for every minute that passed. As babies are supposed to grow inside the womb and her chances of survival, if they had to deliver her to save my life, were slim. Also, if we both survived, the chances of her having severe, life long medical needs, were decreased for each day that we got closer to a full term pregnancy.
We did all we could to keep my BP down… lots of meds and bedrest at the hospital. We even tried crazy ideas, like scrolling through pictures of puppies! Thankfully, I was able to get both shots for her lungs, just in case she had to come early. We hoped and prayed God would allow me to stay healthy enough for her to stay where she belonged for as long as possible. Four days later, my labs came back, I now had HELLP syndrome.
Which meant that I was in serious danger of loosing my life, my baby, my daughters a mother, and my husband could loose a wife and another child.
The only “cure” to save my life was to deliver my baby, and then try to save her life, from being forced out of the safety of my womb too soon.
I was rushed to an emergency csection on June 19, 2014. When I heard her little faint cry my heart was so relieved. She was alive!
The NICU team started to work on saving her life, putting her on life support, and started to whisk her away up to the NICU. Michael begged them to please stop so I could see her, and I was able to catch a very short glimpse of my beautiful baby that I held onto until I could see her again. 
It would then be over 27 hours, after she was born, that I would be able to see her again, and 4 days before she was strong and healthy enough for me to even hold her.
This story has much more to say as well, but I will save that for another time.
Some of the NICU staff asked if this was our first child. In my heart I knew they were thinking that because of how we were responding to her. They couldn’t know that we had fought so hard to be pregnant, stay pregnant, and how precious we believe every life is. Thankfully, after 6 difficult weeks of ups and downs in the NICU, Charlotte & I were finally able to come home.
To be home with both my girls and my husband was one of the best feelings in the world. Our hearts were overflowing.
Fostering a Family...
As we watched our girls grow, and knew it was far too risky for me to get pregnant again, God reignited my childhood dream of adopting. I shared with Michael and he confirmed that he too still had the dream of caring for orphans and adding to our family through adoption.
We knew we wanted to adopt through foster care, and we began that process in late 2015. A few weeks before Charlotte turned 2 years old, in June of 2016, we got a call that forever changed our lives.
(We had received a few other calls that we prayed about and didn’t believe God was leading us to say yes to them.)
We weren’t sure, as with any time you foster, if God would allow them to be in our family forever, but we were confident God was leading us to say “yes” to these two children who needed a home.
We decided whether it was one day, or the rest of our lives, we wanted them to know they were loved, they had value, and that most of all Jesus loved them very much.
I actually sent a text that day that said,
“it’s so weird that I haven’t yet seen their faces,
but I already love them so much! We are saying yes!”
but I already love them so much! We are saying yes!”
Oh how true this was!
These are the things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy from while they were in our home.
Even though we were fostering, and didn’t know yet what the future held, we immediately grew into a family with 3 daughters and one son.
I’m going to call them son and daughter here, as that is who they are to us.
Our son arrived, just 3 days shy of his 2nd birthday, with a bottle permanently hanging from his mouth. Even if he wasn’t drinking it, he would clinch the nipple with his teeth and toddler teeter around with it hanging from his mouth. He was tiny, dirty, and only came with the clothes on his back, slippers, and a few diapers in a dirty diaper bag.
He immediately bonded with Charlotte (as she was just about to turn 2 as well!) it was incredibly sweet to witness their quick bond.
Especially since we had another child the same age, it didn’t take us long to figure out that he couldn’t talk and that he was very delayed in a lot of areas. The neglect was obvious and I honestly wanted to take it all away from him.
My parents happened to be in town for Charlotte’s and Lila’s birthdays and they ran to Walmart to get some new pajamas, shoes, and more diapers.
That night he was scared. He had difficulty falling asleep in a strange house with strangers he had only met hours before. Unable to communicate what he needed, or even wanted, for comfort must have been so incredibly difficult for him.
After I put the girls to bed, I remember walking in to the other room to see that he had finally let Michael hold him. As Michael was rocking him, he was finally able to sleep. I can only imagine that the strength and peace coming from Michael must have been comforting.
Also, to witness Michael holding a son was a precious sight to see.
Maybe, just maybe, God would see fit that this would be our son someday and he would be able to pass down his family name, filling a dream of Michael’s and changing a family tree.
Our baby girl, came to us at 5 months old. Her hair and body were dirty. She was listless. I mean that it you laid her down on a blanket she would just lay there barely moving. (If you’re not familiar with what an almost 6 month old should be doing, ask any new mom! Lol. They are on the verge of rolling over and taking off). My heart broke because again, the neglect she had suffered was obvious. She came with only the clothes on her back, a bottle, some formula and some diapers in a small diaper bag. She had a terrible hemorrhoid that was clearly not attended to and she cried and groaned when she drank her milk or tried to go #2. It was heartbreaking.
So on my parents shopping list we added a gentle formula. Although it took a few months to remedy fully, the immediate change of formula made a dramatic difference for her. She actually stopped crying when she drank her bottle, and it was such a simple change.
As they arrived close to bedtime I wanted to rock her to sleep, hold her in my arms and whisper a prayer for her to my Lord. I was caught off guard in how she literally fought me when I tried to hold her. She clearly had not been held, or rocked to sleep, in almost 6 months! 💔
When we went to sleep we prayed for wisdom and direction. Our hearts were willing to adopt, and we wondered and even hoped that these two little ones, who had captured our hearts, might be the ones to stay in our home forever, but we are were also willing to care for and love them, for as long as God would grant us this gift.
I won’t share more of their past, or their trauma, because that is their story to tell someday.
Instead, today, I want to share the praises of how we saw God work in and through us, in the 14 months time that He allowed them to be in our home.
Throughout this time, there were so many people, family, friends, and even strangers, who walked this journey with us. They are all a wonderful part of this story. So many true, noble, and praiseworthy people who we couldn’t have done this without.
So, Today, I’m thinking on these things:
•A stranger offered us two cribs for them. The first day I walked in to the “baby room” and saw THREE CRIBS I whispered a thank you to God.
I didn’t know how long our family would look this way, but in these moments, God was fulfilling my childhood dream of being able to love on and care for children who biologically didn’t come from my womb. I told Him that I trusted His plan for them, and for us, and as long as they were in our home, that I would do everything I could to love and protect them, and to teach them about Jesus.
•Just days after their arrival we were able to celebrate our son’s second birthday along with Charlotte’s 2nd birthday, Lila’s 6th birthday and two of our best friend’s girls 4th and 8th birthdays. We didn’t know what he liked yet, since he couldn’t tell us, so we just did a CARS themed cake. We chose CARS since you could often find our family watching those movies or playing with Michael’s enormous hot wheels collection.
•although michael had always loved sharing his hotwheels with the girls, getting to share it with a son was a new joy to behold. There were many weekends the kids and michael would spend hours playing cars. I have always loved listening to and watching them play.
•Our son and Charlotte immediately bonded and created their own language in babble and hugs.
One night I walked in to the room and found them jabbering back and forth and giggling at one another. They were so tickled with each other that they could hardly contain themselves.
Since they were only 8 days apart, it reminded me of what people say about twins having their own language. It was so cute.
•we quickly learned that our new son was a climber when one of the first nights when we looked at the baby monitor and saw two kids in one bed! He had crawled into the bed with Charlotte and they were both sound asleep. (We thought we could keep their beds close since that seemed to comfort them both, and he used it as an opportunity to join her with very little effort. Haha).
•it took a little time, but he began to love being rocked to sleep. So much so that he began to insist on it and he always wanted one of us nearby as he drifted off to sleep. I know that it stemmed from his fears, but we were more than happy to provide him whatever security he needed. So his body could rest and heal. He was a really good snuggler.
•whenever I rocked any of my babies and they finally fell asleep, I would pray over them. (Sometimes I prayed before they fell asleep too… that they would PLEASE just go to sleep! haha)
I prayed many prayers over each one. One prayer, that I prayed many times, was that they would grow to know they were loved, they were valued, and that they would know how much Jesus loved them by how we loved and cared for them.
•I wanted to also snuggle and hold our baby girl so much! I mean, who wouldn’t want to snuggle with that sweet face and those rolls!
However, she resisted, and even fought me from time to time. Even when I would just be simply trying to hold her while feeding her a bottle she would literally push me away. It broke my heart, because babies aren’t supposed to be this way. However, we totally understood that she was this way because of her brief past, her pain, and her fears. Sometimes I would have to hold her far out on my lap to feed her and often I would have to just lay her down in her crib to fall asleep.
I will always remember the night that as I drew her in close to hold her and feed her before sleep, her body didn’t clench. I drew her in a little closer and she relaxed. She finally let me hold her close. I wept.
So, with tears streaming down my face, I drew her in and held her close to my heart. This way she could hear a mother’s heartbeat. A heart that beat for her. She finally felt safe. & I really didn’t want to ever let her go.
•it was amazing to watch her grow from that listless baby to a vibrant full of life toddler. It truly is amazing how much can be healed with simple things like a loving home. When I think of how she came to us, and our last memories with her, I am truly amazed at what God allowed us to be a part of. She was vibrant and full of life, her spunky attitude made us laugh, and her zest was such a contrast from when she arrived that it was so encouraging to be a part of.
•our baby girl was so full of life and had a big personality. She had both a big temper and a sweet heart! She was SO smart! Her growth and development, so quickly, was truly an amazing thing to witness.
•She was actually my only child with normal language development.
We would often be practicing what the speech therapist had given us for homework with Charlotte and our son and she would join in too.
This particular time, they wanted a yellow starburst. So, I was in the kitchen with them trying to get Charlotte and our son to say “yyyy-ellll-ohhhh” and I heard from the other room in the sweetest little voice “yellow.”
I can even hear it now, “yell-oh”
•her favorite song she liked to sing was “happy birthday” 🎶
•the day we happened to figure out that a gibberish sound that our son made repeatedly was actually “Mickey Mouse” was such a happy day. We watched HOURS of Mickey Mouse clubhouse and danced many dances to the hot dog song. “Hot dog. Hot dog. Hot doggity dog.” 🎶
•we had to teach him how to communicate what he needed and what he wanted. We started with baby sign language. He would often get frustrated as he spoke his gibberish and we had no idea what he was saying. We did a lot of charades and walk me to point to what your want. We were both trying so hard to communicate with each other. The first time he used the signs for “more” and “milk” I was overjoyed!
Then, when I actually handed him the milk, the look on his face was priceless. He was joy filled too… because I had finally understood him!
•it was fun to buy boy/ son things for the first time. Something we had always hoped one day that we could do. From hotwheel cars to cowboy boots we loved having a “boy’s boy” in our house.
•One of my favorite boy buys was for Valentine’s Day. Michael always bought little gifts or flowers for the girls on Valentine’s Day. This year I was going to get to have a mini-valentine too! I bought him this big plastic dinosaur and put the chocolate heart box in the T-rex’s mouth. It was so fun. He loved it! (The girls love the Dino too!)
•there was a day I looked over and saw our son and Charlotte dancing to Mickey & Minnie’s song with the lyrics of “we’ll be best friends forever”. 🎶
It almost had me tearing up until they fell on top of each other and started wrestling. Which made me chuckle.
If I close my eyes I can see them dancing, hand and hand, swirling around the living room.
•speaking of wrestling. I have always loved watching michael play with our girls. He was always willing to play anything from dolls, to puppies, to building forts. Although they didn’t really want to wrestle with him much, our son loved it.
•whenever michael sat on the floor he had lots of babies fighting over his lap! Whether for playing or reading stories everyone wanted to sit on dad’s lap!
•my lap was always full too. Whenever I sat down, I’d start with one baby, then two, and usually all three littles eventually joined me. I loved looking at the back of their heads all squished together on my lap. My heart and lap were very full!
•Lila often played with our baby girl and their play time was so sweet and special. She especially loved playing peek-a-boo with her. One christmas we saw a pink stuffed bear that played peekaboo and Lila HAD to get it for her baby sister. Of course I let her!
•Lila was so tender and sweet to her baby sisters and her little brother. She was always willing to help grab anything I needed, and often helped feed our baby girl when I had my hands full with the other two.
•with three babies under 2 it was a bit crazy. Often I would tell them “okay! Time for a diaper change” and the three littles would lay down on the ground, in a row, and I would change them like an assembly line! They would get tickled to have their diapers changed next to one another. Simple joys I guess.
•we had a double stroller and a single stroller. Our double stroller was given to us by our local crisis pregnancy center where I had sometimes volunteered. Whenever we would load up for a doctor appointment, or really anywhere, I needed an extra person to push one of the strollers! Let’s be honest though, with 3 kids under 2, our outings were limited and I loved being home with them. Lila was always willing to push the single stroller while I pushed the double. She especially loved it if she was pushing the baby and I had the two two year olds in the double.
•eventually we figured out a system where I could just take the double if it was a short distance. I couldn’t trust any of the toddlers to cross safely in the parking lot so they all had to be strapped in. Sometimes I would strap Charlotte and our son in the same seat, the baby in the other, while Lila stood on the back of the stroller where I was pushing. It worked! Lila would hop off once we got to the other side.
•once, being limited on space, we only brought the single stroller on a trip. By now they toddlers could walk, but we needed them to be contained and not run away from us at the airport. We also had three car seats for the plane and suitcases to navigate with! So we buckled the baby into the seat. We had our son or Charlotte switch off, in the bottom storage area of the stroller, looking at a tablet, and perfectly content. And the third child was able to sit on top of the hood and tray, with their legs through the handle, facing me, while I hugged them and pushed. They thought it was hilarious. Lila wheeled a suitcase and michael wheeled a suitcase and carried all the car seats! It was a wild adventure! Memory maker.
•when we arrived at our destination in Florida and our son saw the giant Mickey statue at the airport, his most favorite thing of all time, he was in Heaven! We didn’t even need to take him to the real Disney World. Even though I wish we had!
•swimming with cousins … lots of cousins and lots of swimming. Cute little swim floats wrapped around their bellies and arms. Rescues from big cousins and plenty of volunteers to push her around in her baby boat.
•seeing how everyone wanted to hold and fight over the new kids was awesome.
•celebrating our baby girl’s first birthday with the whole family was amazing. She is a December 26th baby, and even though we were in Florida, I felt it was only appropriate for her birthday to be snowflake Winter ONEderland themed. I have always loved decorating and celebrating birthdays BIG.
We transformed my parent’s foyer into a winter wonderland. I dressed her in a sparkly white gold dress and a little pink sparkly crown. She was all smiles!!! She loved all the attention. It was fun to watch her with her smash cake and I’m so thankful we got to celebrate her life with so many loved ones.
•on an earlier trip we were permitted to travel with them to NC. To a place near and dear to my heart. The place I’ve always called “HOME”. My Mawmaw and Pawpaw’s house. They got to meet, and were loved on, by even more family. Jessica’s family even met us there, meeting our new kids for the first time.
•all the kids got to explore Pawpaw’s barn together and someone gave them all nails and bricks to play with! Ha. They loved it!
•they got to explore the woods that I grew up exploring with my cousins.
•cousins got to play, take baths, and sleep on pallets next to one another. Just like I did many times with all my cousins.
•Jessica and I even led the charge of them sliding down the stairs on their bottoms, just like we had done 100s of times for entertainment at their house, when I was younger.
•there were bear hunts, and bird watching from the kitchen table, and lots of rocking on the swing that my Pawpaw built many years ago.
•they all ate “donut seeds”as Pawpaw used to call them (honey nut Cheerios)
•our son loved snuggling up next to Mawmaw in her big chair. She even let him choose what to watch and of course he chose Mickey Mouse. He loved how she teased him. Many times I caught them laughing at each other.
•dressing up Charlotte and our son as Minnie and Mickey Mouse for Halloween. They were so thrilled to actually BE Mickey and Minnie. I had always made their costumes and this year I made them all except for part of Charlotte’s was a dance costume dress that we borrowed from a friend. Lila wanted to be a Jaguar, her favorite animal. After seeing the costumes of babies dressed up as Cabbage Patch dolls, & loving them when I was little, I couldn’t resist dressing our baby girl up as a doll too. *sniff* I can still smell those cabbage patch heads! Lol.
So often, many people would remark how our baby girl looked like a doll baby, so, I HAD to dress her as a cabbage patch baby! I made a “box” to put over her stroller and bought an outfit that had a puffy jacket, that reminded me of cabbage patch doll clothes, to complete the costume. She was a cutie before, but everyone could not get over her as a cabbage patch doll! Just like a real cabbage patch doll, her box said “I’m one-of-a-kind,” “I’m adoptable,” “blanket and bottle included,” and “I play peek-a-boo”. So many adults and kids attempted to play peek-a-boo with her. She obliged one or two then she was over it. Lol. When she was done. She was done and she would let you know it!
•our baby girl had the best and most infectious laughs! Her smile could just melt your heart.
•our son new how to work me and would give me a sheepish grin or a hug. Of course it worked!
•their Sunday school teacher, and our dentist, made a comment one Sunday that Charlotte and our son were made for each other. That as much as he needed her to draw him out and give him confidence, she needed him too. We agree! It’s hard for me to explain their bond, their friendship, but it was so special to watch. As long as Charlotte was by his side, our son believed he could and would do anything. Sometimes, I may have even referred to them as a little Bonnie and Clyde (haha!), but mostly they were super sweet together and not getting into trouble together.
•sometimes they were in time out together. And sometimes, even if only one toddler had to go to time out, the other toddler would go and sit near them, just waiting for their time to be up. Like they couldn’t keep playing, or it wasn’t fun to play, unless they were doing it together.
•the nursery workers and teachers were always so sweet and kind to all my children. They LOVED going to church!
•after their first VBS our son, as he still couldn’t say many things, starting calling church every time we went “B. B.S.” & he often asked to got to “B.B.S.”
•our baby girl was definitely a daddy’s girl. Aren’t we all Michael? There were many Sundays that when I went to pick her up from nursery, or MDO, she would give me a pouty face (because she didn’t want to leave and because I was not daddy!) However, I remember vividly that this particular Sunday, when I came to get her, that I made a silly face…. and she mimicked me, smiled, and started dancing because she was excited to see ME. This was months in y’all. About the same time she let me hold her close to rock her to sleep. This was a huge deal.
•I loved watching how Michael would hold the baby and the rest of the kids would all hold hands walking into church. Like a daddy duck and his ducklings. The picture I have captured in my heart was that of a daddy leading and raising his children to love the Lord.
•our son often chose me over Michael (and our baby girl would choose the opposite.) I loved snuggling him in the quiet of the night. Singing “Jesus loves you” over and over again.
•jumping in mud puddles.
•playing in the snow for the first time.
•teaching them how to hit a baseball off a tee in the backyard
•driving little tike cozy coups and lots of playing, reading, and laughing inside and outside.
•having a minivan full of car seats and children. That rearview mirror view was the best!
•teaching our son how to communicate his needs with speech therapy and lots and lots of patience. Once he was able to start saying simple things he needed or wanted his attitude dramatically changed. His temper softened and his joy increased. Such a joy to witness and be a part of.
•learning to ride training bikes
•sunglasses on each kid
•family photos capturing our joy … and our craziness
•air shows, showing them Papa’s planes and other planes too
•watching (and hearing!) the blue angels fly over our house!
•spoiling them all without making them rotten
•our son in blue converse, and overalls, and bow ties. Oh how cute he was!
•our baby girl in that pale blue romper with all her adorable, and squishy body showing off. Strutting her stuff. Really she made every outfit work!
•her smile
•her giggle
•her boisterous laugh
•her wit
•his smile
•his giggle
•his trust
•her trust
•when he stopped having restless nights after every social worker visit and visitation with his biological mom.
•when he stopped trying to constantly tell the social worker “bye” as soon as he showed up
•when he willingly and eagerly went to ride in the social worker’s truck for a visit, because he finally knew he would be coming home afterwards. This was his home.
•he loved riding in Mr. Zach’s jeep!
•snuggling babies in fuzzy blankets with squishy diaper bottoms.
•tucking them in under quilts hand-quilted by Mawmaw.
•how our baby girl would wrinkle her nose
•getting to learn and explore how to best do baby girl’s hair. She had the silkiest smoothest ringlet hair. She was biracial and sometimes we did her hair poofy/ “au-natural” and sometimes she let me do it in ringlets. She was SOOO cute!
I remember how her hair would bounce as she toddled.
And I wish I could wrap up her personality and gift it, because it seriously was the best!
•one night, when we were sharing with our church’s youth group about our foster care ministry, we were waiting, standing in the back just listening to the worship music. All of a sudden, our baby girl is standing there next to me. She’s dancing to the music. Shaking her little booty. Her curls were bouncing, and Lila reached out her arms, and she took her first steps towards her big sister!
•First Christmas as a family of 6. Loved spoiling each of them.
•lots of road trips in our minivan
•getting stuck in the mud, in the middle of a field, overnight, for several hours, because Michael thought he could simply pass through. Oh yea. Kids should’ve slept through the whole thing, but It was also still storming bad and we were stuck deep. So, keeping the kids calm was an additional feat and adventure. Plus, Michael had just cleaned out my van. Aw. Thanks hon… except he had taken out every blanket, toy, snack and water that I left for the “it’s never going to happen” emergency… just like this. 😂
We ran out of diapers and I MacGyvered one out of a swaddle blanket and a grocery bag. Lol.
With random cell service in rural Oklahoma, we finally were rescued! We all had fun watching a guy with a tractor on another gigantic tractor with a trailer, chain us up and drag us out of the mud. We sloshed back and forth like we were on an airboat! It was wild!
•our first thanksgiving as a family of 6… so much to be thankful for.
•easter egg dying with shaving cream and egg hunts at MDO and in our backyard while everyone wore superhero capes!
•2 fourth of Julys with good friends! Dressing up the whole crew in the Stars and Stripes.
•visiting Michael at work for a quick hug, and an encouraging word, when I would get discouraged about their case, or could see the things waining on them.
•calling us “mama” and “dad/daddy”.
He couldn’t really say any words, even though he was just about to turn 2, and she was 5 months old. So neither were talking.
So, biomom asked me to be “MamaLaura”, and she wanted to be “mom”, because she knew it would be confusing to just call us “Laura” and “Michael” since our girls would be calling us “mama” and “daddy”. The social worker agreed that it would be difficult for them to call us something different, and said we could try what she had asked. Which we were willing to do. We wanted to respect their first parents too. We gently corrected them many times but eventually gave up. To them it was more like our names to start with. Also, correcting a child, who is already having difficulty communicating, seemed silly.
Everyone else was calling me “mama” and Michael “Dad” so when they too started calling us that too, we just cherished it in our hearts. I can still hear their little voices “mama” “dada”
•when our son would get nervous he would do a roll call for self-assurance.
He would say “Mama”, “Dadda”, “whywa”, “shar-la” “bubba” & “baby” (yes he called her “baby!”) then he would grin really big. Sometimes he would say his roll call at night before falling asleep. He would go through his list and I would add “and Jesus. We all love you very much.”
•Sometimes, when he was feeling silly, he would finish his list then add “mih-mou” (Mickey Mouse). He liked to be silly and goofy with me.
•his silly little dance and tilting his head to the side because he thought he was cute that way.
•he loved wearing his baseball hat and his cowboy boots
•jumping in mud puddles, swimming in the mud!
•first day of “school” and MDO with tiny backpacks. Of course I happened to find a mini backpack that was Lightening McQueen from CARS for him. He loved his little backpack.
•little people in jeans and little people with mini backpacks are my fav
•when he dressed himself for the first time and was so proud of himself. I didn’t have the heart to tell him his pants were on backwards and his shirt inside out. Honestly, I was proud and super impressed that he got them on all the way. He wanted us to be so proud of him. We were!
•potty training two 3 year olds!!!
I honestly didn’t think he was mature enough or ready. He couldn’t communicate he needed to go potty, he often woke up soaked in pee, and he didn’t have the motor skills to dress himself. I honestly thought with how far that our baby girl had come, that I might be able to potty train her before him.
Plus, I’m not crazy, despite my Pastor calling me “the crazy lady” for taking on so many little kids. Lol. So I was just going to do it one at a time.
However, he insisted. Remember, if Charlotte was doing it, he should be too. He was big about injustice and we could tell this was important to him. So, I decided to give it a try and see if he could do it at the same time as Charlotte.
Oh my goodness! The joy on their faces when they went “peepee on the potty” was the best!!!!
Of course they got lots of M&Ms too. We would sing our song and do a dance with them too. It was fun!
•One time I remember sitting at the table, as I was feeding the baby, and he came running around the corner gleefully yelling “mama! Peepee in the paw-teeee!” over and over.
He was in just his big boy underwear and cowboy hat.
He got so caught up in his excitement he grabbed the counter and he started swinging under it like a little monkey. Like a naked little monkey in big boy undies and a hat!
I’ll be honest, I didn’t think it would be possible with both Charlotte’s and his delays, but we potty-trained two, newly, three years olds one summer!!! Whoot! Whoot!
•Mickey and Minnie joint 3rd birthday. So, I wanted them to each have their special day. So, we were planning to do a balloon and cupcake on June 11th and on June 19th, and then a joint party in between. On birthdays I normally walk in to wake the birthday kid for the day by singing to them. It was a crazy day, someone else had already woken everyone, and we were rushing out the door. It was June 11th, his 3rd birthday. So, as I buckled him in. I softly started singing “Happy Birthday to you…” 🎶 he was grinning as he loved having my undivided attention. When I finished I looked over at Charlotte who was OBVIOUSLY expecting me to serenade her next! I couldn’t resist that sweet and excitedly expectant face!
So, out the window went my plan to celebrate them each on their own day. Lol.
So, I sang to her next. She loved it. Obviously, there was no way either of them would’ve let us celebrate one without the other. So, we threw an audible and decided we would have their Mickey and Minnie birthday party, just as they requested, when they woke up from their nap.
So, while they were resting we decorated, and got out the cake, balloons, and presents! I think they had MORE JOY getting to have their special day together than they ever would’ve solo.
•sitting around our round table with every seat or highchair full. Sharing a meal, laughing together, or telling stories about our day.
•seeing our big girls love others without abandon
•drawing closer to God as we learned to trust Him more and more. Not only for their lives and hearts, but each of ours as well.
•praying … and lots of it.
•I remember often telling God that I didn’t know His plan. Whether it was for them to be able to return to their biological parents, or to be adopted by us and be in our family forever.
•as it seemed unlikely, by their own choices, that they would be reunified with their biological parents, we began hoping that meant God would fulfill my childhood dream, & our dream to adopt.
•a few times it was sweet to get to pray for and with their bio mom.
•I remember their biomom asking us to adopt them on a few occasions. We told her that we would always love them and would give them a permanent family. I remember sharing with her how much we loved and cared for her children already, and we were grateful she gave them life.
•I remember watching Michael shake the hand of one bioFather who asked us to raise his son for him. Almost as if passing the torch.
•Not to forget where they came from, but these bioparents, in a moment of selflessness, chose to love their children more, enough to ask someone else to love and care for them, when they couldn’t. This was impactful to me.
•the judge telling us to contact an adoption attorney. It seemed like they would finally have permanece after 3 YEARS of being in the system.
•looking at that blank line on the official adoption paperwork where it says “name” and knowing what it symbolized.
Both, their incredible loss, and also hope for their incredible gain in adding “Strackeljahn” to be his last name.
•choosing carefully a name for our son. One that had significant meaning for us. A name after some of the incredible men in our lives.
•sending in the paperwork to the lawyers, and holding our breath awaiting a date.
•the date being set! Friday we would sign all the papers. He would officially be a Strackeljahn.
•sharing with our son our hopes to adopt him and give him a permanent family (I don’t think he understood really). (Long story, but at this time, only he was available to be adopted. We had hoped it would be at the same time as our baby girl, but we all, social workers, judges, lawyers, and bio parents agreed that it was best to adopt him now. Giving him a permanent family after not ever having one for three years, and then we could then pursue adopting our baby girl.)
We read to them the best story of adoption from our Bible. The one where we get to be adopted as sons and daughters of God.
Then, when we told him what his new name would be he just grinned so big. I think it’s because that meant he would have the same name as two of his favorite people… we chose “Duke Michael Strackeljahn”.
Duke means leader and our hope and prayer for him would be that he would be a leader for his family and for God.
He started calling himself “Bubba Duke.” It was so cute. You could tell he really like it! He was proud of his new name.
•we were all counting down the hours for all of our dreams to come true.
For us to fulfill the desires of our hearts for adoption and for his dream of having a family he would never have to leave again.
Every part of every day those 14 months was not smooth or easy.
However, they were so brave and they made it easy to love them.
They were worth every heartache and frustration.
They were worth fighting for.
And we did.
We fought and fought and fought.
I still don’t understand why they couldn’t stay in our home.
I don’t understand why it had to happen the way it did to cause so much trauma for them and for us.
There are days my heart literally breaks when I try to imagine what they must think. I’m sure they feel like we abandoned them.
They certainly didn’t understand what happened (how could they? I still don’t fully understand either!!!)
We held them in our arms in one moment on August 11th, 2017, not knowing it would be our last time.
That was 4 years ago today.
Michael buckled them into their car seats, careful to send them with their cherished lovies.
All our dreams came crashing down and our hearts were shattered.
I can’t even remember if I told them how much I loved them. I hope they knew.
I thought, for sure, we would see them again. That we would get to be a family again. To hug them, hold them, and pray and sing them to sleep again.
There is no way for them to know how hard and how long we fought for them, but God knows.
From the moment they put them in my arms on that very first day, I promised I would fight for them.
And I know we did.
I had faith in my God to move this mountain, and for reasons that God only knows, we didn’t get to adopt them. We didn’t get to add them to our family officially.
I have never stopped fighting for them.
My fight is now different.
My fight is now on my knees.
I pray for protection for them.
& I still pray that they know how incredibly much they were loved and valued, and I pray more than anything else, that they know how much God loves them and wants to call them His children for eternity.
⭐️
^These are the things I’m thinking on today.
These are the memories I’m cherishing and holding really close to my heart.
They may not be in my hands or my home today, but they will forever be in our hearts as our son and baby girl.
We love and miss you so very much!
⭐️ ⭐️… as we both still have a heart and a dream for adoption, maybe some day, if it’s in God’s sovereign will, He will see fit to expand our family once again here on Earth. And if this happens, I will praise Him.
⭐️⭐️⭐️… And even if that was all we get of our dream, those 14 months with these two precious ones, it was a dream come true … and I will still praise God.
My Family July 4th, 2016
